“It’s difficult to understand the sum of a persons life… Some people would tell you it’s measured by the ones left behind, some believe it can be measured in faith, some say by love, other folks say life has no meaning at all… Me, I believe you measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you…”

– The Bucket List

Oh love bug, that would be your dad and I. And yet when I look down, all I can see are the Rubbermaid containers and one treasure box. The accumulated contents left in your room. For a moment, I’m paralyzed.

The aching is so pronounced I can feel the weight of it in my bones. Beautiful hues of life that use to surround and dance about me are monotone and still. Now only colours of grief and sadness seep out as they bleed together. Like sentinels standing guard refusing admittance.

They are my constant companions and until I find a way around or through them, there they will stand. Imposing and silent.

I will never be able to fully describe the enormity of Ryan’s life or his impact. Just as I cannot adequately convey the depth of love I have for my son. The words I write are only that ..words. Pale as the waning moon. Cold without the passion of my thoughts, my voice that gives them some warmth. Words unique to me except I’m not the only one missing our son. I’m a silent witness to Scott’s never ending pain.

But without the words, Ryan would slowly fade into the contents of that keepsake box. Left to be remembered by only his loved ones.

The sum of my life will be forever entwined with Ryan’s. As it will be for Scott. And everyone who loved him.

The true measure.