“In the wilderness you learn how to overcome your greatest enemy: yourself.”~Matshona Dhliwayo

What I will tell you may come as a surprise.

I was angry yesterday. For the first time in over 2 1/2 years, I felt the tears of red hot anger spilling down my cheeks, a resentment clawing at my throat.

I’m out of my element.

I’m in a place that I don’t belong, doing something I was not designed to do.

Every prickle infuriates me. My shoes, long wet and soggy, fail to find any traction and so I slip constantly. The coldness of the creek, the branches that scratch my face, the sheer ridiculousness of my situation stirs up a wrath that threatens to spiral out of control.

For a moment, my bad temper lands solely on my son. All the “I told you so’s”, the “mark my words” come rushing back with a force that rivals the environment I find myself in; inhospitable and harsh. “ I’m here because you brought me here.” I whisper furiously.

The sounds of people trampling through the same bush, swatting away the same branches, slipping in the same creek break through my angry self absorption. The camaraderie and the laughter force me to take note. Strangers who have become friends search along side Scott and I for a common purpose: to bring Ryan home.

“Oh, I sigh, “I’m here because you brought me here.”

To push myself beyond what I thought possible, to create meaningful relationships with humans that soothe my soul, to regain a presence of mind that begs me to look past my own experiences so that I might offer value to the world around me.

Feeling out of place only lasts as long as you willingly believe it.

Ryan belonged here.

And until he is found, so do I.