So much guilt today. It is an insidious feeling that creeps up, plagues you when you least expect it and won’t let go. You are told not to feel it but in manifests itself when you are at your lowest.We didn’t find Ryan today.
As a parent, of course I am racked with guilt. I am fairly sure that is part of what you sign up for giving birth. Please…I know that we are doing everything humanly possible to find him. I am at peace with the search. The volunteers number in the low hundred. People are not giving up. I admire their spirit.
The guilt comes in the small laughs we have during the day. The moments of normalcy that are rare. I feel guilty for eating and sleeping. After all, Ryan is out there waiting to be found.
That sort of guilt is to be expected. Part of the parent package I signed up for. I willing accept it.
What I struggle most with is the guilt of our friends and family. They try so hard each day. I see their faces as they come back at days end with no trace. I see their eyes and feel this sense of helplessness. My precious friends feel guilty for not being able to find him. They want to do this for me. What a terrible choice each day going out; hoping to find but not at the same time.
They feel guilty having to return to their life like I am not externally grateful for them being here in the first place. I see their emotions as they have to tell me bye.
No, I feel guilty that these wonderful, beautiful people suffer so greatly.
I know they must go just as I know we must stay. I can’t leave until I find my son.