They tell you to cherish every moment with your children because this time too shall pass. I knew it logically but I never thought the years would pass so quickly. I thought I would have all the time in the world. I was anxious for them to roll over, sit up, walk and so on. I couldn’t wait for the next stage. It wasn’t like I hated the one we were at, I just wanted to see what they would do next.

No one would be surprised that Ryan’s a mama’s boy. Oh he adores his father. They hunt and fish and do sports together. They are so close but Ryan and I had this ease between us.


Every Sunday night we had this ritual where we would lie in my bed and read. Him with his Captain Underpants books and me with my many series. In between chapters he would catch me up or tell me something random.


Around 10 or 11, I remember one night. Perhaps I was feeling grateful about having this wonderful funny boy still wanting to carry on our Sunday nights together but I turned to him and said “ Ry, I am kinda sad”. He immediately looked up and said “ Why mommy?” I replied, “ Cause I know in a couple of years, you won’t want to do this anymore. And that’s okay but I will miss it.” He thought about quite seriously and said. “ I know mommy, I will miss it too.”


Years pass and although the teenage years weren’t bad, his life outside the family became more important. It is a rite of passage. And although he stilled showed his love, it wasn’t in the same open way.

I wasn’t worried because I always thought we would come full circle again. That our relationship would transition from parental/child to that of adults.


I miss him tremendously.