Go after that which is lost….

Tomorrow, Scott and I are heading back to Sun Peaks to continue our search for Ryan.

There won’t be an official command center but if you are planning to come and join, you can send me a message.

We are there until Tuesday.

Our searching has gone into a new phase. Moving forward, we will be coming up each month for a period of time until the snow falls. When it melts we will resume. We will continue until we find Ryan or the search venue changes.

I cannot tell you how that last part pains me to write. I am torn with what is practical and what amounts to a feeling of ultimate betrayal. We can’t stay for months or even weeks on end to search for our son anymore. We have been so fortunate to receive such blessings that allowed us to stay as long as we did. The costs are astronomical and yet what price would I pay for the return of Ryan?

Everything I own.

Except it’s not just me. It’s not just Scott. It is our daughters and our family.

“We must not wish for the disappearance of our troubles but the grace to transform them.”

– Simone Weil

Ryan deserves to be found. He deserves to have peace. He deserves to have closure.

All those that go missing deserve this. As do the families.

Ryan has always felt the infinite love that I have for him. He also knows that I will never give up; not until there is not a breath left in my body. So I know that my son forgives me for the difficult choices that I must make.

I’m just not sure I can forgive myself.

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