I think I must be tired.

Not the physical sort. I am running every day. My foot is getting stronger. But my capacity to deal with every day things is stretched thin.

Just the other night, my youngest wanted to make a healthy snack. She had the recipe book in front of her. I could hear her from the living room gather her ingredients.

Suddenly I hear an “oh oh”. I turn to see Julianna covered in Cacao powder. “Someone left the bag open. I’m sorry. I will clean it up.” Well that person was me. The whole pantry was covered. There was mounds of it everywhere.

“Oh no, “ I whispered. The sight of it was overwhelming. “No, mommy. I will clean it up. “. But as I watched her sweep it around more, I knew that for her, it would be impossible. The look on her face as she walked away was this naked dejection.

Sorrow for causing such a task was evident. As I heard her leave, I cried. Deep sobs. “ I can’t do this “ I whisper. “Ryan, I’m so tired baby.”

But of course I do.

Moments later, I hear Max calling my name. “ Heather, Heather. I have a surprise for you. We found Jordyn’s passport.” The same one that has been missing for a month. I had prayed to Ryan to help us locate it. And in that instance, I thought okay. I got it, Ryan. You are trying to tell me “Get over yourself mom. You can do this.”

As I got up to rinse my cloth and come back to the pantry, there was a strong odor of weed. Overpowering and certainly not mine. The only person who ever did that was my son.

This always led to lectures on my part and a sheepish look on Ryan’s face.

Through my tears, I started to smile. Okay, Ryan. It is clear he was trying to make me laugh. To see the humor in my Cacao covered clothes. To remind me that it is just a mess. Messes happen. Accidents or purposely, there will always be chaos.

I just need to find a way through the storms.

I finished cleaning and went upstairs to talk to Jubie. I apologized to my beautiful little girl. You see… I don’t have it all figured out. I am not always coping well. And I’m sorry for that.

I’m a work in progress.