I am not that strong.

I read what you write and it seems like you are talking about someone I don’t know. Someone larger then life.

It’s not me.

Five weeks ago, I wasn’t spiritual and I will even venture to say not particularly faithful. I believed in something but I couldn’t explain what that was. I still can’t

I desperately want to believe my son will be with me always. In flesh or in spirit. That is not unique to me.

God, when did I become someone who would take whatever meager offerings that came to me. Why am I not raging at the injustice of my plight??

Because I want to believe that I still have lessons to teach Ryan whether he is with me or not. I also believe that Ryan still has the ability to teach me to be a better mother.

Do you really want to know why I try so hard not to cry?

Because if Ryan is only with me in spirit, he will know the torment that Scott and I are going through.

Being who he is, it will grieve him so.

I am his mother. I never want to add to my children’s pain.

He will understand my tears when he is finally found. Until then, I will be his protector.

I will be stronger then I have ever been before. @ Sun Peaks Resort