I am not that strong.
I read what you write and it seems like you are talking about someone I don’t know. Someone larger then life.
It’s not me.
Five weeks ago, I wasn’t spiritual and I will even venture to say not particularly faithful. I believed in something but I couldn’t explain what that was. I still can’t
I desperately want to believe my son will be with me always. In flesh or in spirit. That is not unique to me.
God, when did I become someone who would take whatever meager offerings that came to me. Why am I not raging at the injustice of my plight??
Because I want to believe that I still have lessons to teach Ryan whether he is with me or not. I also believe that Ryan still has the ability to teach me to be a better mother.
Do you really want to know why I try so hard not to cry?
Because if Ryan is only with me in spirit, he will know the torment that Scott and I are going through.
Being who he is, it will grieve him so.
I am his mother. I never want to add to my children’s pain.
He will understand my tears when he is finally found. Until then, I will be his protector.
I will be stronger then I have ever been before. @ Sun Peaks Resort
