The fog yesterday made travel today impossible so we drive. It’s a long 9 hour trip to Sun Peaks for 2 days … I know it.

Am I loving it? Not nearly.

Could I just skip it and go next week or the next? Is it possible that we could summon an army of angels who have loved and supported us, to come and take over the search this month? Absolutely.

But this is what you need to know…. I can’t live, survive or even attempt to thrive if either Scott or I don’t go each month to search for our son. The thought of not being there brings an anxiousness that will not quiet or fade.

It seems so minimal, at best, to only go once a month. It is the bargain I made with myself the day I drove down the hill for the last time. After living and searching for Ryan for 5 months, it seemed so cruel to have to leave without some measure of peace. How could I go back home and walk through life having left him? How could I mange these great feelings of failure and inadequacy knowing that I gave up?

I promised that day, I would never leave him. When I wasn’t actively searching for him, I would raise awareness and ensure that no person, having heard Ryan’s story, could walk by a stranger and not look for his image. I also promised that I would try to be present and active with my family and friends so that they will know the depth of my love and how grateful I am to have them here with me.

So the drive is inconsequential. Whether I go with others or go by myself is completely irrelevant.

When I look into the face of my son, I know I can do no less.

He matters.