The silence is deafening.
Footsteps echo in the hallway where only yesterday it was strewn with shoes, tiredly kicked off. The kitchen quiet and pristine, not filled with the bustling bodies intent on feeding everyone.
For the first time in 3 months, we are alone in the house. I am not afraid to tell you, I thought grief would overwhelms us. There is no one to distract Scott and I from our deepest fears and darkest thoughts. We have been so careful to leave such things unsaid. Not forever surely, just for now. We have tasks to do.
Our loved ones gave us respite. I am grateful that they were able to rotate for so long. In doing so, we were able to put off the inevitable… until now.
Oh they tried to prepare us for this moment. Date Night in Kamloops was strongly suggested and forcibly encouraged.
In our old life, I loved Date Night. There was the excitement in choosing a new restaurant. Long talks where we reminisced about our favourite memories and dreamt of a beautiful future.
But now I always find myself crying. Not because I am alone with Scott but because without the busyness of our friends and family surrounding us … we must face our grief. We must talk about things that we would rather put off. Date night is always a third wheel. Ryan joins us each time and we can avoid no longer. I am quite the sight I’m sure. Cocktails and hand holding …. then one tear rolls down followed by another. I try not to. My sadness compounds Scott’s. Boy he wishes so desperately to take this all from me. I believe he would you know. If he could bear all these burdens he would, in spite of the price. Main course and wine…remembrances of happier times. I don’t think our servers know what to do with us. I don’t either.
But our friends were right. Each time it gets a little easier. The tightness in my chest constricts less and less.
I do miss everyone but being alone is kinda nice. Like an old friend you haven’t seen in such a long time. Tentative at first but comforting in the same breath. These are the moments that tell me however long our journey may be, we will face it together.
We are never really alone. I understand that now.