“For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How often — will it be for always? — how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment”? The same leg is cut off time after time.” ~ C.S. Lewis
I am drowning in a sea of sorrow. Weighed down by grief and sadness, my own expectations threatening to force me under. I forget that I need to tread water. Wildly, I look for something solid so that I may plant my feet but I’ve gone too far and the water is too deep.
Ah my dear friends, I know I worry you.
When my thoughts begrudgingly return to the present and my eyes clear, I look and see your gaze upon me. Tender and concerned, you place your hand in mine and squeeze.
There are no words. None that I need. None that would provide answers or comfort. Not today. It just is. You know that and I know that but still you sit by my side. The world, right now, may be unsolvable but your friendship is not.
I see you.
Even in the dark.
Even with the silence.
You are beside me.
You know that the tides will change direction, the waves will lessen, the desperation will quieten, and the perilous siren in this sea of grief will loosen it’s grips.
So you wait.
Like an anchor that promises safety.
Like the glorious sun that brings warm and light.
Like a beacon that will show me the way home.
You are there.
I catch my breath and begin to swim.