“When everything is moving and shifting, the only way to counteract chaos is stillness. When things feel extraordinary, strive for ordinary. When the surface is wavy, dive deeper for quieter waters.” ~Kristin Armstrong

The snow falls and I cry.

The temperature steadily drops and I can only shiver with it. Tiny goosebumps cover my skin and I believe I will never feel warm again.

Each day I feel like I am descending into a controlled madness.

Every moment, I feel utterly alone. No one sees me in the same way I see myself. Broken and tired. I am so very tired.

Except Scott.

He sees through the many masks I wear. He knows the coming winter breaks my heart just a little more. He knows and feels all because even though I may believe I’m alone, I am not. He is right along beside me.

Still…. he takes on this caring of me. He holds all the jagged pieces firmly together unconcerned by the tearing of his own hands. He whispers hope and strength to me each morning when I wake and each night before I sleep.

He is sending Julianna and I to visit friends in Nuevo Vallarta. He prays that I will be able to wade through the chaos and dive deep into stiller waters. He hopes that I can quiet my fears, even for just a bit. He asks that I make memories with our daughter so that her life is not always about sadness and grief.

He tells me to love myself in the same way he does. The same way our children do.

I make no promises on the last one.

But if my life feels like chaos, Scott will forever be my calm.