/iˈnərSHə/ noun

a tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged.

I struggle. For the life of me, I cannot find a way to move forward and no matter how much I pray, wish and plead, there is no way to go back.

I am the not the same person that I once was. It is like a thin veil between the Before and the After has torn, leaving a gaping hole that I now must learn how to navigate through.

The very things that brought me joy, a sense of purpose and passion feel stale upon my breath. My heart bruised, as I shuffle through the day to day, floundering. The veil may be torn but still it leaves a coating over my eyes. Everything seems hazy and unclear.

Some days I feel paralyzed through my own inaction. I want to hibernate; to curl up and shut away the world. My ears tune out the feeble whispers of encouragement only to hear the loud whirls of noise that reminds me I am weak.

Even in my own body, I feel displaced. Not owing to anything or anyone; no longer belonging.

Like gossamer threads that cover you shimmering in the barest of light, you gleam as you move effortlessly through the day.

That is the face I show the world.

“You hold the pain so well.” they say. But the cobwebs are delicate and flimsy to the touch. I constantly must repair if I expect them to hold my weight.

It is possible to plant a garden and yet not smell the fragrances of the flowers nor capture the beauty of the blooms. That is my harvest of late.

I suppose everyone has a time in their life when their path seems unclear, muddled by fear, uncertainty or circumstances. After all, life is not linear. Every decision causes the path to change. Even inaction is not necessarily a guarantee to have life remain static.

“ Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.” ~ Marilyn vos Savant

Grief is permanent but so is my ability to adjust. Such feelings, however debilitating now, can only be temporary; if I so choose it.

I still have dreams. I still feel hope. I yearn for peace and strive for grace. I want to find a purpose again. I want to take the passion that I have for all the loved ones missing and make a difference. If I can’t be who I once was, can I not make myself better?

Only time will tell.